The "Things You'll Never Hear" collection
by Sarie Cigam
Summary: ff.net deleted this earlier... here it comes again, in a new catagory! See the things you'll never hear from Starfox, Donky Kong, Pokemon, digimon, and more! Everything but Part 4 is PG-13, part 4 is R
1. Part 1: Link, Matt, and others

Link  
(as a goron) does this loincloth make me look fat?  
(Ocarina's going all sparkly) Whoa, dude, what's in this thing? (looks around,   
takes a sniff) Whoa... trippy...  
DUDE! Where's my horse??  
(in iron boots) (singing) These shoes were made for walkin'...  
(as a Deku scrub) Darn it! I hate hangovers!  
(to Zelda) I'm sorry, Zelda, but I've decided to go out with... Princess Peach!  
(to Ash, about Pikachu) Wow, man, I need to get me one of those!  
(looking at a pocked pikachu) Darn it, it ran away!  
(Looks at self) did anyone else notice I'm not wearing pants?  
Ahahahahaaa! Fire, fire, fire! (sets fire to the Kokiri forest)  
(pulls out Faerie bow and misses a shot) Aww, screw it. (breaks out an F-14 and   
blows the hell outta Hyrule field)  
  
Gannondorf  
Link, I am your father.  
I've decided to take up interpretative dancing.  
Triforce? What's a triforce?  
Oooh, look at all the pretty flowers!  
I've decided to die my hair pink.  
  
Zelda  
(breaks out a Bazooka and blows Gannondorf away) Hasta la Vista, baby.  
Link, I'm seeing someone else now. I've left you for Yamato.  
You know, I think my color's really black.  
I'm not really a princess, I'm... (digimon theme) Lady Devimon! Buahahaaa!  
Link, I am your mother.  
Gimmi that Ocarina back, freak! (smacks Link)  
Hey, you stole my sword! (smacks Link)  
  
Yamato  
Look, T.K., I shaved my head!  
Tai, I've left you for Joe.  
Mimi, I've left you for Sora.  
Sora, I've left you for Angewomon.  
T.K., I'm not really your brother. I'm... a Jigglypuff!  
I'm tonedeaf.  
I'm not really blond.  
(looks at Gabumon) Ack! A dog! Get it away!  
  
Patamon  
Look, I'm BatPig! (flashes the BatPig(r) sign)  
Hey, Gatomon, lookin' pretty fine!  
  
Gatomon  
Back off, batpig.  
  
Agumon  
Tai... I'm not really a digimon... I'm (dundunnnn...) Barny! Hyck hyuck!  
  
Cody  
You know, Armadillomon, I hate Texans  
  
Armadillomon  
I'm really... GW Bushmon!  
  
Myotismon  
I hate bats!  
  
Biyomon  
Quit whining, Sora!  
I'm not a digimon, I'm a chicken from hell!  
  
Sora  
All right, Biyomon, that's the last time you crap on my head! (breaks out a   
giant Anime mallet and smacks Biyomon to Timbuk Too)  
  
Ash  
(sees Pikachu) Ack! A rat!! Get it away!  
Misty, I'm leaving you for a Jynx.  
  
Dr. Oak  
Ash, I am your father  
  
Giovanni  
Ash, I am your father  
  
Mr. Mime  
Ash, I am your father 


	2. Part 2: Potter

Things Harry Potter characters would never say  
  
Harry  
  
I think I'll take up soccer.  
  
What's a snich?  
  
Excuse me, I seem to have forgotten what this stick does. (pokes his wand)  
  
Cho Chang who?  
  
I love my Aunt and Uncle!  
  
Aarg! A snake! Get it away!!  
  
Why do I have this funky scar on my head, again?  
  
Hermione  
  
I've forgotten how to transfigure a chair into an armadillo!!  
  
Ron who?  
  
Let's break the rules!  
  
I think I'll buy a Harley and terrorize Hogsmead.  
  
Sirius  
  
I'm allergic to dog hair!  
  
I'm not hungry.  
  
I want blood!  
  
Lupin  
  
Ack! A wolf! Get it away!  
  
I really want Snape's job. Terrorizing kids. buahahaaa.  
  
Snape  
  
I listen to the Sound of Music sound track all the time.  
  
I make perfume in my spare time.  
  
Hey, Voldemort, let's go pick flowers and pet cute puppies!  
  
Voldemort  
  
I regret killing people.  
  
NOT!  
  
Hey, Snape, lookit the cute kitties! Let's buy one!  
  
Dudly  
  
I love my adopted brother. Come here, Harry, give me a biiig hug!  
  
(This author would like to point out if Dudly hugged anyone, he might suffocate them with his fat, so Harry is advised to run.)  
  
Rita Skeeter  
  
I think I'll write obituaries now.  
  
Aaack! A bug! Get it away!  
  
Hagrid  
  
I enjoy golfing with friends in my spare time.  
  
Arrg! A monster! Help!!  
  
Pie times the square root of the quantity of XY {p=g+5}.  
  
Kirby  
  
Wait. how did I get in here?? I'm not a Harry Potter thingie! Help!  
  
Harry  
  
Look, a snitch!  
  
(Censored for violence and general abuse of small fluffy pink Nintendo characters) 


	3. Part 3: Starfox and Others

Things you'll never hear, part 3  
  
Starfox  
  
What's an Ar-wing?  
  
I HATE MONEKYS!! AAAA!!!  
  
Hey, slippy, pull my finger!  
  
Hey hey, Falco, lookin' pretty hot!  
  
(with shades on) Everything's going dark! Where am I??  
  
Oh, my God, look at that brain, it is so. big! It looks like one of those evil genius guy's brains! I mean, look at it, it's so. big and so. pink, and so. big!  
  
Does anyone else notice a resemblance between Andross's eyes and sperm? Or is my visual on the fritz again?  
  
DIE, SLIPPY! AHAHAA! (blows Slippy to smithereens)  
  
A talking monkey, who'd have thought?  
  
Hey hey, Andross, wanna go out with me?  
  
(drooling) Kat..  
  
What the heck is this, Planet of the Apes or something??  
  
Falco  
  
Hey, Slippy, you're my best friend!  
  
Fox, stop cheating on me!!  
  
I can't fly.  
  
I'm the leader!! MEMEME!!  
  
I deserve my own video game!  
  
I'm not a bluejay, I'm an eagle! Honest!  
  
Slippy  
  
I can't decide, Pigma or Kat?? I love them both!  
  
ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT??  
  
(tries to build a cardboard airplane, fails) DARN IT!  
  
Andross  
  
Fox, I am your mother!  
  
Join the Dark Side!  
  
Hey, who you callin' a monkey??  
  
My eyes don't look like sperm!! Do they??  
  
I thought this was an 'E' rated game!  
  
What a tyrant wants, what a tyrant needs, some classified missiles and a DVD.  
  
Volvagia  
  
I'm having a bad hair day.  
  
HEY, stoppit! Stop bonking my shnoz!  
  
(listens to soft rock) aaah.  
  
I'm really an ice-element.  
  
I've been living a lie, I'm not really a dragon. I'm a cow! Moooo..  
  
I'm Volvagia-chu!  
  
Yes, I'm female, single, and looking for a guy who can stand the heat.  
  
Dodongo King  
  
(urp) I shouldn't have eaten that last bombchu.  
  
Lookit me! I'm Barney!  
  
I'm an amputee.  
  
I'm Dodngomon! BlackWarGreymon, eat your heart out!  
  
(sings) Mary had a little lamb.  
  
Mew2  
  
Who am I? I'm. BlackWarGreymon in disguise!  
  
I'm not really a cat, I'm a dog!  
  
Anyone else notice a resemblance between Arucenimon and Jessie, 'cos I swear, they're the same person!  
  
I'm not a tyrant, I just need some love.  
  
I'm the only Mew2?? Sheesh, I guess I'll have to settle for a female Persian.  
  
Purple?? Ok, who's the idiot who chose my colors??  
  
I. don't. know. a WORD of Japanese! (cries)  
  
Hey, I have the same voice as Lugia and Entei! Creepy.  
  
Yo yo, Myotismon, my MAN, wazaaaaap?  
  
I'm Mew2 Bass, from M'sync!  
  
I need more career options.  
  
Donky Kong  
  
Who you callin' a Monkey?? What, that line's taken? Aww.  
  
Who chose my wardrobe??  
  
I hate bananas.  
  
SHUT UP, Cranky! 


	4. Part 4: Enemies and Pack Animals

Epona  
  
Link!! You're heavy!! GET OFF! (bucks Link off)  
  
(sees Gannondorf's horse) (drools)  
  
DIE COOCOOS! (runs over a helpless coocoo)  
  
That's it, Link, next video game we make. I get to sit on your back all day!  
  
(looks around) Does anyone else notice the disturbing lack of ungulates in this game?  
  
LINK!! Stop wupping my ass with that bow! It HURTS!  
  
No, Link, Zelda can NOT ride me with you!  
  
LINK! Put some freakin' pants on, dude!!  
  
I think I was better off with Malon.  
  
Waddayamean the game's not called 'Legends of Epona'??  
  
What?? You want ME to jump that bridge?? I don't think so, pal.  
  
Hell, forget you Link, I'm gonna go be a Lipizaner in the circus!  
  
No, damnit, I will NOT let Zelda ride you on me. Wait a second. let me re- phrase that!!  
  
Majora  
  
Lookit me! I'm a Kabuki mask!  
  
Go ahead, try me on!  
  
Muahahaa! Take that, Keaton Mask! Now look who's popular!  
  
Damnit! No, the Keaton Mask can NOT get its own game!!  
  
Whoa! That Gerudo's Mask is pretty fine!  
  
Remind me never to take over the body of a depressed Skullkid.  
  
DAMN FAERIES!!! DIEE!!!!  
  
I am the Whip-master! Kneel before me!  
  
Damn, can I dance or what?  
  
Ken  
  
What the heck is a Kaizer??  
  
Come on, T.K., let me whip you some more!  
  
Hey, Daisuke. TOUCH THE WORMMON!  
  
Yes! Not only did I conquer the digi-world, but I stole Koushirou's haircut!  
  
I do NOT resemble Kari!  
  
What?? I marry WHO?? Who signed me up for this??  
  
Damnit, Koushirou, I'm both smarter and hotter than you, so shut up!  
  
Hey, Takeru, will you touch the wormmon?  
  
Gabumon  
  
Oh yeah! Lookit me! I'm the horn digimon!  
  
Damnit, Taichi, I am not a St. Bernard!  
  
I do not jump random limbs of digimon!  
  
Oh yeah! Check me out! I'm da wolf-man! Aroooo!  
  
Yes, I belong to Garurumon Skinners Anonymous  
  
No, I will NOT remove my fur for you, Agumon! Go stalk Gomamon!  
  
Hehehe, Agumon, look! I got juicy footage of Matt and Tai!  
  
Damnit! Gomamon, did you steal my frappachino??  
  
WHY am I shown AFTER Birdramon in the theme??  
  
Ride me, Matt! Ride me, I say!  
  
Hedwig  
  
No, Harry, I will NOT carry your brick collection to Massachusetts!  
  
Yo, Cho Chang, Harry is MINE I tell you! MINE!  
  
Stop removing the dead mice from you room! I was saving those!!  
  
(is caught watching 'Owls' on the Discovery Channel) Ehehe.  
  
Oh yeah, who's the hottest Owl babe around?  
  
What?? Owls are the stupidest raptors?? Who you callin' stoopid, stoopid??  
  
Draco  
  
Yes, I'm an albino. What's it to you??  
  
I think today I will do a good deed for my fellow classmates!  
  
I love you Harry!  
  
(wearing his hair all poofy and a purple shirt) Draco was here. Potter is a loser!  
  
Oh no, my family's gone broke!! Noooo!  
  
Can I transfer out of Slythrin?  
  
Bowser  
  
Not only am I the king of Koopas, I'm the king of bowling, too!  
  
Man, I've really gained weight since the days of Mario Bros. 1.  
  
Hey!! I'm not in Super Smash Brothers! What gives??  
  
Do you think Peach would go out with me if I asked reeeeal nice?  
  
I think I'll wax my shell pink today.  
  
I'll wallpaper my castle with bunny wallpaper!  
  
Oops, I did it again, I shoved you in lava.  
  
Mommy, I want a hammer!  
  
Yoshi  
  
HAH! I've got my own game! Nyaaa, Epona!  
  
I wanna L-l-l-lick you from your head to your toes.  
  
(urp) I ate one too many shy guys today.  
  
Damnit, Mario, go on a frickin' diet or something!  
  
For the last time, I am NOT a pokemon!!  
  
Dude, that was one funny mushroom! Whoa, the room's spinning.  
  
James  
  
I despise roses.  
  
That's it! No more motto! From now on, I speak in Iambic Pentameter only!  
  
Who says blue hair isn't hot??  
  
Gee, Jessie, for a 13-year-old, you're very well-developed!  
  
After we capture Pikachu, can I bar-b-q it?  
  
Meowth! Get out of my sleeping bag!!  
  
Why don't we go after Ash's Charizard instead?  
  
Screw you, Giovanni!  
  
Pidgeot  
  
Damnit, Ash, stop pulling my feathers out!  
  
Evolve me already!  
  
I choose you, Ash!  
  
Get off my back, freak-child!  
  
Can I borrow your hat for a sec, Ash? Thanks. (shoves hat up Ash's rear) 


	5. Part 5: The Season 01 Digidestined

Taichi  
  
Duuude. I shouldn't have taken those drugs. this is one bad trip.  
  
I fear dinosaurs.  
  
I was the cowardly lion in my past life.  
  
Courage? Wassat??  
  
AGUMON! Get away from Gabumon! We're supposed to be battling!!  
  
Yamato, did I leave my lace thong at your house?  
  
I am not gay!!  
  
.sora!! Help!!! Run!!!  
  
Hey, Devimon, man, let me join you!  
  
I am.. DARK TAI! MUAHAHA!  
  
Yamato  
  
I am da Lone Wolf man! Arooo!  
  
I have the crest of pointy things. FEAR ME!  
  
No, wait, I have the crest of the yin yan.. Never mind.  
  
.Gabumon, please stop doing that to the enemies in plain sight, it's embarrassing.  
  
Yes. I'm hot. I know. LADIES SHALL FLOCK TO ME! MUAA!  
  
Sora, get away from me!! I want no cookies!!  
  
Gabumon, put your fur back on!  
  
There's no wrong way to gel your hair.  
  
sora  
  
I'm hyperrr!!!  
  
I.. Fear. birds.  
  
KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!!! AHAHAHAAAA!!!  
  
I wuv you, Koushirou!  
  
Mimi  
  
Fashion? Wassat?  
  
I hate pink.  
  
I'm really Brittany Spears!  
  
I was Shaggy in my past life.  
  
I don't love you, Joe.  
  
(sneezes) gahh, cactus allergy!  
  
Togemon is a retard.  
  
Back away from my man, sora!  
  
Yes, pink is my natural hair color.  
  
Kari  
  
I AM THE DEVIL! FEAR ME!  
  
Put some cloths on, Angewomon!  
  
.Ken!! You stole my hair!!  
  
I think I'll be a goth today.  
  
I hate cats!!  
  
I fear the light.  
  
Give me blooood!  
  
T.K.  
  
Obey the fiiist!  
  
No, angemon, you can not get it on with angewomon. She's mine!  
  
(holds up Patamon) I got the pigskin, who wants to play football?  
  
There is no hope for you.  
  
I own you, angemon.  
  
Ken, let me join your dark crusade!  
  
I shall slay the togemons! All of them! MUAHAHA!  
  
Jyou  
  
I need contacts.  
  
I'm brave, yes I am, hear me roar! ROAAR!  
  
I fear seals.  
  
Iori, you stole my crest, give it back!! 


	6. Part 6: Zim and Star Wars

1 Zim  
  
I think I'll ask Gaz out on a date.  
  
I love you, Gir!  
  
Pizza rocks!  
  
I like being short!  
  
Who says size doesn't matter?  
  
Purple, Red, hey can I be pink?  
  
Vood Runner or Food Runner? I'm hungry!  
  
I LOVE YOU DIB!!  
  
I envy you humans.  
  
Who you callin' an alien??  
  
UFO? WTF?  
  
Call me crazy, but I've just got to try those new bologna bites.  
  
I am a moose!  
  
2 Gir  
  
Yes, I am completely sane.  
  
AHHH! The scary monkey! HELP!  
  
I hate tacos!  
  
Dogs. I fear the dogs.  
  
I knowwww where the house is!  
  
3 Gaz  
  
Hey Dib, let's go play baseball!  
  
Gameslave? I know no Gameslave.  
  
Wow, Zim, you're hot!  
  
My ambition: to be Ms. Bitters.  
  
KIIIILL THE PIGS!  
  
Gotta catch 'em all, pokemon!  
  
4 Dib  
  
I know not my father.  
  
I love you, Zim!  
  
Ms. Bitters, will you marry me?  
  
Alien? What's an alien?  
  
Hey Zim, you sound like Dagget!  
  
I can make milk come out of my nose!  
  
5 Han Solo  
  
Know what? It really is my fault!  
  
Boy Leia, you're butt ugly!  
  
I ought to scrap the Falcon  
  
Chewie.... shut up.  
  
6 Luke Skywalker  
  
Eww, Leia, don't kiss me, you're my sister! Gross!  
  
Screw the force, I'm gonna get me a wand and a scar! Wohoo!  
  
Not my squeezing hand! They took my squeezing hand! Why, oh why my squeezing hand?? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarg!  
  
Hey, did Uncle Owen leave me anything in his will? Huhuhu?  
  
Yes! Obi is dead! Praise the lord!  
  
Does anyone else see those two suns, or did I drink too much beer at dinner?  
  
Damnit, R2, I hate you! Die!!! (runs R2 through with a lightsaber)  
  
7 Leia  
  
Stupid hairdresser put donuts on my head.  
  
Hey, Jabba, why not just strip me?  
  
Waaait a minute. I've got to marry Indiana Jones? No way!  
  
Noooo! Vader blew up Alderan and destroyed my wardrobe! WAHAHAHAAA!  
  
Shut up, Akbar, Zim is on!  
  
8 Darth Vader  
  
It really stinks in this helmet.  
  
Oy! Shredder stole my outfit!  
  
I need a cat if I am to be a great villain, muahaha!  
  
I need one of them little buzzing fans in here.  
  
Hey, Luke, let's go play a father-son game of Baseball!  
  
You know, Dib. I am your father! 


End file.
